French Laundry

Bread and Butter

+3

Salmon Tartare in Sesame Tuile Cones with Red Onion Relish and Creme Fraiche

+7

The cones are miniature versions of the ones you might find at Baskin-Robbins, with tartare in place of Butter Pecan. They're even presented to diners on a similar cone-holder palette thing and are to be eaten by hand. Cute! Sadly, we'd already read about them prior to our visit, so the surprise element was gone.

While rating high on aesthetics and flavor, the cones fail on functionality. The tartare perches atop the cone; the cone's interior contains only creme fraiche. Tasting the three components in a single bite requires a swordswallower's gulp.

Grilled Hamachi with Sweet Pepper Brunoise and Mango Sauce

+6

Sweet peppers: wrong. Bits of hard stuff on sushi: very wrong. Big flavor, meaty texture: so right!

"Puree" of Watercress Soup with Layered Russet Potato, Applewood Smoked Bacon and "Oeuf de Caille Poche"

+7

Garden fresh meets midwest-breakfast-decadence.

"Pied de Cochon Farci aux Ris de Veau servi avec Lentilles de Puy et Sauce au Vinaigre Vieux du Vin Rouge"

+5

Translation: Sassage 'n' Beans. The sassage tasted like the french cousin of the dim sum "fun gaw", a pork-filled glutinous rice flour potsticker. The lentils and vinegar reduction rocked the sockhouse.

Shallow Poached Florida Red Snapper with Baked Roma Tomato, Sweet Peppers, Baby Squid and "Ville Mille Rosa" Extra Virgin Olive Oil Emulsion

+7

The squidbit-incorporated sauce was the most interesting of the night. (calamari montŽ?)

Pan Roasted Line Caught Striped Bass with Braised Oxtail "Ravioli", Caramelized Salsify and Glazed Pearl Onions

+7

My initial reaction to the fish was that it seemed a little ripe, but maybe that's normal. In either case, the strong flavor worked well. Reminds me a little of how I like my hamachi nigiri a bit aged. The oxtail ravioli was awesome, the best of the evening's vittles.

Pan Seared Liberty Valley Duck Breast with Melted Savoy Cabbage, a "Pierogi" of Moulard Duck "Foie Gras" and Sauce "Perigordine"

+3

Everything on this plate was salted into oblivion. A real shame, because I'm pretty sure there was a +9 layered between all those crystals.

"Pot au Feu" Red Wine Braised Prime Beef Shortribs with "Petite Poie a la Francais" with Roasted Green Garlic and Crispy Bone Marrow

+8

Yay, marrow! And in a new-to-me presentation, no less. I really liked this plate, but I've never met a shortrib I didn't like, so, adjusted for relativity, it gets only a +8. For a +10, the rib has to be served on a bed of pound cake. And bulletproofed with Magic Shell.

"Brillat-Savarin" Spice Poached Medjool Dates and Sweet Carrot Salad

+4

The cheese and dates married fabulously. This plate would have been better without the carrot peelings, which reminded me of how I once backed up Steve Brecher's garbage disposal. Good times.

"Saveur de Maquis" with Roasted Sweet Pepper "Crostini", Baby Arugula and Basil-Infused Extra Virgin Olive Oil

0

Totally unremarkable cheese. I think I'm spoiled by Cheeseboard's Primadonna aged gouda. For those with access to said gouda and have yet to partake, run, don't walk, for a slab of your own. (Dissenting opinions encouraged!)

Sweet Polenta Cake with "Fruits du Mendiant", Brown Sugar Ice Cream and Sauce "Confiture de Lait"

+1

I have a bias against raisins, to which the FdM bore resemblance. The ice cream and sauce were heavenly, the cake was this weird soggy dumpling sweatsock thing.

"Ganache au Chocolat en Feuille de Phyllo" with Tahitian Vanilla Bean Ice Cream and Toasted Hazelnut Sauce

+6

I would have preferred a sweeter ganache, but other than that, there was nothing wrong with this dessert...I'm baffled why it didn't better please my tastebuds. All the pieces were there for culinary ecstacy.

Creme Brulee

+8

Flawless and classic execution of the crowd pleaser. So much better than the unclassically unplain execution of....

Lemongrass Pot de Creme

-5

From Redbook, August 1974:

   LoopyFrooty Slurry

   1 tbsp white paste
   1 tbsp heavy cream
   1 tbsp Froot Loops

   Combine ingredients, mash until smooth.  Serve in small ramekins.

Mignardises

-3

Everything looked great, but tasted flat, like so many dessert stations at so many casino buffets. An assortment of Trader Joe's cookies would have gotten at least a +1.

Service   order taker   everyone else

-4 +7

Poirier and I, having opted for the build-your-own-five instead of the chef's-nine, were overwhelmed by the prospect of choosing from the many incredible-sounding entries. But when Poirier asked the waiter for a recommendation between the Lobster Consomme and the Watercress Puree, he treated us instead to a rather lovely and equanimous recitation of the menu entries. She politely feigned appreciation, and promptly turned to her internal random number generator for guidance.

Still optimistic, she requested additional assistance with the cheese course and again received a tutorial in reading comprehension. I decided it was time to step in and suggest that perhaps the chef himself might care to weigh in on this dialogue. How foolish of me to think this would bring the tutorial to its due conclusion: if I could please direct my attention to the menu with the heading "Chef's Special" I would perhaps realize that the chef's recommendations could be found therein, and, having chosen to foolishly cast these recommendations aside, am thus at the mercy of my own incompetence. He then asked, "What, exactly, is stopping you from ordering the chef's special menu?" Um, what the fuck? Did someone do an internship at Crazy Pete's Ford-a-rama?

Throughout dinner, he kept our wine glasses full. This meddling bordered on claustrophic, but maybe the idea is to minimize the backwash:wine ratio. Fair tradeoff? Not sure.

Menu writing

-4

Enough with the quotes already!

In retrospect, I wish I'd succumbed to the hard sell of the chef's menu. Not just because of the disappointments, but because I feel like I should give a place their best shot before I pass judgment. As it stands, my impression is that we may have gotten the subjective worst that they could have turned out--but even their worst is pretty damn good.

So, okay. I'll revisit Aqua, and Masa's (my first visit was in the dark age between Serrano and Siegel), and maybe French Laundry. I'd like to try La Folie, Picasso at the Bellagio, and maybe the pasta tasting menu at my uncle Jer's favorite, Babbo in New York. (Babbo's head chef is Food TV's Mario Batali.)

If none of these places can give me 8's across the board, it's pho, sushi, and Locando Olmo for the rest of my life.